the word spread just like small pox in the sudan...

I hate CNN.

And when I say hate, I mean, "am fascinated and repulsed by it in the manner of staring at a smoldering trainwreck."

I have a personal vendetta against Jeanne Moos. I despise her nearly as much as I despise Scott Stapp. Why? Headlines like these:

- Incredible blinking Pelosi clocked at 85/min. The State of the Union speech was blinky. And drinky. And, of course, winky. CNN's Jeanne Moos reports. (Seriously. This woman probably makes three times what I do, and she's used blinky, drinky, and winky in a headline. Fail.)

- Freaky-eel-like-bulb-head shark in Japan (Surely there was a more descriptive phrase to be had. What color was it? What does it like to eat? Was it a freaky-tan-scaled-bulb-head-anemone eating shark, or something less interesting? Inquiring minds have long since tuned you out.)

- Kangaroo-ish animal caught in subdivision (It's either a kangaroo or it's not.)

- A bird, a plane, an UFO? (an UFO? I think your head might be up an ass.)

Other than Moos (to whom I'm prone to attributing all CNN drivel-headlines, which is probably unfair... CNN employs countless other idiots as well), here are some highlights from my collection of CNN bashing:

- Snowman, lesbians, bubbas steal debate (If they mean that a snowman, a lesbian, and a bubba could have a more stimulating debate than either political party, that's true.)

- A guide to guidebooks (Only in America. It's a video too. I have a longstanding hate of CNN video as well. I can't watch it at work, and so I am forced to imagine what they're talking about from the headline alone. The headlines are tiny gems of journalistic ineptitude.)

- Haggard 'completely heterosexual' (I hope this is Merle. I don't care to find out. Was there a question?)

- U.S. 'copter burns near Baghdad (When you're as rushed for time as CNN, spelling out "helicopter" wastes valuable nanoseconds, thereby leaving no time for such gems as "Denver, Thailand." Seriously. The phrase "Denver, Thailand" once appeared on the front page.)

- A talk with a porn star (Unironically, this is a video.)

- "Iraq Students: This isn't Vietnam." (If they actually said that, okay. If not (and I'm guessing they didn't say exactly that) shut the hell up CNN.)

- "Envisioning when Science can beat death." (Why? Why even bother? Science isn't meant to beat death. Perhaps Science should spend money on something more realistic, like, say, beating multiple sclerosis.)

- "Pork, the pill cause spiritual mess on job." (Please explain this to me if it makes sense to you. On what kind of job does the subject of the pill come up? Or, for that matter pork, in the sense that it would affect work? Other than a Catholic right-to-life clinic or a Kosher meat-packing plant, I'm at a loss. This is the perfect example of why I hate CNN video that doesn't have an accompanying story.)

- "Cheetah overtakes man in race." (Of course it does. This is not news. And it's certainly not newsworthy enough to be the top video of the day. I don't have to watch a video of a cheetah outrunning a guy. I can picture it in my head. And I've seen this stupid little experiement before. Unless the cheetah crosses the finish line, rounds on the guy, and eats him, I don't care.)

On the other hand, Harper's Weekly is the greatest thing that happens to me on Tuesdays. Here's a few reasons why (stuff in parentheses is my contribution):

- "You don't want your president sitting in the Oval Office worried about the activities of a hostile regime that can have all kinds of impacts on our security, starting with economic security," Bush told employees of DuPont, one of the largest researchers of alternative fuels. (I think he's trying to shame them. "You don't want daddy to spank you, do you? I didn't think so." Also, he's right. I'd rather have my president being productive than sitting and worrying. Or more accurately, sitting and letting his mind wander.)

- Bush picked up bottles of milled corn stover, poked his fingers into a beaker of wood chips and picked up a handful of switchgrass. (He then was asked to leave because he was unaccompanied by a legal guardian, and had contaminated much of their day's work.)

- The Milwaukee Brewers were giving away two free tickets to any fan who had his prostate examined, Bill Clinton wrote the clues for a New York Times crossword ("Team," read 5 across, "with Southern exposure"), and researchers at Johns Hopkins University linked throat cancer to oral sex. (Wow. It's just beautiful the way those topics all flow into one another. Save for the crossword puzzle clue, which I don't get. Throat cancer linked to oral sex. Too. Many. Jokes. Maybe the test subjects are doing it wrong? Now there's an excuse? Spectacular, Harper's.)

- In Richmond, Virginia, a painting of Britney Spears was covered up at the request of Barack Obama's campaign. Los Angeles was burning, and Democratic presidential contender Mike Gravel was speaking passionately in defense of gay marriage. (1. Why the hell was there a painting (not even a poster, but a painting) in a place where Barack Obama was speaking? I can't think of a single reasonable scenario.2. Once again, genius sentence structure on the second part. Referencing "Paris is Burning" and relating it to a presidential candidate? Sweet.)

- The Senate passed a bill that would lift a 1975 ban on the sale of baby turtles, but would require safety pamphlets warning children about the risks. (I wonder how many dollars of my money those Senators earned while passing a bill that concerns the sale of baby turtles. Whatever the amount, it was surely worth it, for the children of the world shall know the joy of baby turtle ownership and shall not be ignorant to the dangers. Thus ends Sarcasticpiece Theater.)

- Former congressman Tom DeLay gave a speech about abortion to agathering of college Republicans in Washington, D.C. "If we had those 40 million children that were killed over the last 30 years," said DeLay, "we wouldn't need the illegal immigrants to fill the jobs that they are doing today." (... I can't really get over the fact that someone actually said this out loud.)

Of course, every now and then, CNN does bust out an awesome headline, although not for the reasons that they think it's great:

Waitress: Gun-toting Spector looked like Elmer Fudd (It does not get much better than a reference to Elmer Fudd from America's Most Trusted News Source.)

Anyway. Fark.com does it better, but there's more to come from me. Although, probably no one reads this but me. Que cera.

Ta anyway!
Kate